I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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