Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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