I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
