new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
