this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
