my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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