He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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