I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
