My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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