A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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