I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
