Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
