Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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