bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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