I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
