i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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