Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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