the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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