I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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