As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
