Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
