My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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