A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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