i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
