dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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