well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life