my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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