Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night