i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
