end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
