sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
