Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
4 words: hood of his car
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
