Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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