Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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