tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
