you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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