you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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