we have pet lesbian snakes
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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