A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You pole danced in your parka.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
