so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
