I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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