So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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