can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
