the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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