So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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