The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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