i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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