Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
