i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
