Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it's like iHOP with fire
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
