Texts From Last Night

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  (661): View more from California

  is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?

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  (661): is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero? http://tfl.nu/iroh
  Replies (31) Good night (6192) Bad night (1072)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

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  (336): i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed http://tfl.nu/dxga
  Replies (20) Good night (5097) Bad night (1221)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  How are you feeling today?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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  (907): How are you feeling today? (330): i could've thrown up on command at any point today... http://tfl.nu/ewp1
  Replies (10) Good night (1176) Bad night (4606)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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  (205): Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga. http://tfl.nu/3ybq
  Replies (13) Good night (4944) Bad night (993)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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  (503): I swear to god he's a one man village people. http://tfl.nu/tro1
  Replies (13) Good night (3067) Bad night (1319)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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  (206): How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it? http://tfl.nu/31c7
  Replies (23) Good night (3003) Bad night (1809)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?

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  (609): why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures? http://tfl.nu/ty0v
  Replies (6) Good night (2142) Bad night (1099)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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  (402): Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. http://tfl.nu/z0q7
  Replies (9) Good night (4360) Bad night (869)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

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  (610): He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine... http://tfl.nu/5jaq
  Replies (3) Good night (1329) Bad night (1101)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.

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  (541): We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin. http://tfl.nu/h15a
  Replies (4) Good night (680) Bad night (450)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.

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  (720): The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby. http://tfl.nu/rm20
  Replies (3) Good night (972) Bad night (401)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

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  (303): Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob? http://tfl.nu/4t4l
  Replies (9) Good night (1078) Bad night (342)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.

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  (307): I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire. http://tfl.nu/z5bx
  Replies (0) Good night (626) Bad night (278)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.

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  (908): I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work. http://tfl.nu/8nqq
  Replies (3) Good night (616) Bad night (236)
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  (530): View more from California

  I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.

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  (530): I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland. http://tfl.nu/s0xd
  Replies (1) Good night (632) Bad night (206)

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