He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.