I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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