So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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