You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
