what day is it and did you see me today?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
