So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
