I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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