OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
