The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
