apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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