OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Randomize
